Bride Price and the Dilema of the Missing cows - Roger

Bride Price and the Dilema of the Missing Cows – Roger
Recently I had one of the most fun cultural weekends I think I ever had in the years we lived in Botswana – but first a bit of background. I’m giving a fair warning – this blog will get long – so if you don’t want to be bored you might want to stop reading now.
Although Botswana has grown and developed at a dizzying pace since we last lived here, there are many traditions that remain very entrenched in the culture, even amongst the most educated. One of those is the traditional wedding, and the steps that must be taken to make a marriage “official” in the eyes of the tribe. Getting married is a long and expensive process in Botswana, and I’ve talked to many young men who would like to get married but are quite discouraged becausetheir family cannot afford the required cattle. The process has not done much for the institution of marriage – many simply cannot afford the luxury of being married. Each tribe has its own unique idiosincrasies, but there are some similarities. In talking with others from other African countries, it appears most of Africa (or at least the countries I know about) has a “bride price” of some type, although some countries do not have such high prices. Some of the older people in Botswana tell me the whole process has become “commercialized”. In the old days it was considered more of a thank offering and the prices were not so steep. There also seems to be a bit of “competition” between the tribes, with some of the tribes setting higher prices to show their prosperity. Tribalsim has not affected Botswana as negatively as in some other African countries, but tribal loyalties are still a very real part of life here.
In the old days marriages were arranged by the two families, and the bride and groom were not involved in the decision. Today that is not practised, a couple chooses to marry after dating and deciding they want to get married. When a couple decides to get married the man will approach his father’s oldest brother with his request to marry a girl. He does not approach his father, he must ask his uncle. I did ask some recently married men if they did that first and most said yes. One told me he just mentioned to his father he wanted to get married, and his father just looked at him and said “you know the procedure” and walked away. The uncles of the groom will arrange to meet with the potential bride’s maternal uncles to request a marriage of their neice. After that meeting the bride’s uncles will check with her to be sure she wants to get married. Then the negotiations will begin. From what I gather most of the required gifts are pretty standard, although they can vary depending on each tribe’s custom. The negotiations may take a year or more, depending how often the families get together, and how far they must travel for each visit. There are many gifts required, as well as the agreed amount of cows – the most important factor. The number of cows paid must always be an even number (since the union is of two people) – plus one extra cow is usually required to be slaughtered at the wedding. There are also some goats and/or sheep involved as well, but the big item is the cattle. Cattle are extremely important in Tswana culture. People count their wealth with the cattle they own – one never asks a Motswana how many cattle he owns, just like we don’t discuss in western societies how much money we have in our savings accounts. After the list is drawn up for the bride price, a date is set for the wedding at the bride’s family compound. Here is where our story really begins – the negotiations have been completed, and now it is time to “finalize the deal”. Nicole lived and taught school in the village of Tonota - about a 5 ½ hour bus ride north of us. She lived on the compound where the wedding was to take place. For a number of reasons her “Nkuku” (grandmother) wanted Jolene and me to be part of their family for the wedding. We were honored to be invited, and the family was thrilled for us to be there – it gave them some prestige to have “lekoa” (white people) as part of their family. I must stress that just because this process seems so foreign to us, does not mean that these are uneducated people “living in the dark ages”. Many of this family have respectable government jobs, and most of the younger generation have post secondary degrees - quite a few studied abroad and have master’s degrees in various fields. The bride-to-be is in medical school in Capetown, South Africa. The customs seem so different, but are just as valid as ours – our customs would seem just as strange to them. Think about what it would sound like to them when the garter is thrown at our weddings, or we tap the glasses – the list could go on.
Since we have been included in the bride’s family, and have been told at many times we are now part of their family, when I talk about “our family”, that is what I am referring to – our family in contrast to the groom’s family. They talked about and were preparing for this day for months – painting and cleaning up the yard and making all the arrangements etc. Nicole was helping with that, and was one of the servers during the celebrations. We took the bus and arrived there on a Friday afternoon. The rest of the family had been arriving during the past few days, and that night we feasted on a goat that was slaughtered and were told what to expect during the next two days. We were sleeping with an aunt that left fairly early, so we missed some of the dancing and partying that went on late into the night. We had to be back at the yard before 7:00AM, when the groom’s family was supposed to show up for the final arrangements. The uncles got together and discussed the procedure. The oldest brother of the bride’s mother is supposed to be the spokesman, but he is a bit of a wild card and didn’t want anything to do with the negotiations, so one of the other uncles was appointed to be a spokesman for him – although he would still get all the gifts due him. We all waited in the yard for the groom’s family to arrive. If they were late they would be fined - they could get fined for anything they did wrong, and were threatened several times. I don’t think they showed up until about 8:00 or 8:30, but were not fined because that is considered being “on time” in African time. While we waited a rumor started circulating that they were not bringing all the cattle they had agreed on - an occurance that is quite normal apparently. We saw them driving into the village, the truck with all the cattle was bringing up the rear. Everybody tried to count the cattle when they saw the truck, and there was a lot of mumbling that they did not have the cattle they agreed to – there were only 7 cattle on and there was supposed to be 9.
The only ones allowed in the family negotiations were married family members. The bride’s parents are not supposed to be there, but for some reason the bride’s mother was there – I never understood why. They told me she shouldn’t have been there, but she did talk a considerable amount in the process. Jolene and Nicole were dressed in traditional garb, a long printed dress, a cloth head covering (scarf), and a blanket wrapped around the shoulders, as were all the other women. This is the required dress for women during any traditional ceremony. The men must all wear a jacket –it can be a suit coat, or any old jacket, but that is the only requirement for the men. Since Nicole was not married she was not supposed to be there, but she sat in for a bit of it, and when Jolene asked if it was ok for her to be there, they put their finger to their lips and told her not to say anything. They do break some of the rules . The men in our family all sat on chairs and the women sat on the ground – the normal cultural arrangement. It is utterly amazing how the very old ladies can sit on the ground with their legs straight out in front of them and nothing at their backs – and can do it all day long. They put Jolene at the wall so she had a back. We watched as the groom’s family filed in single file through the gate. The group was led by one of the uncles from our family who was designated to go out and escort them into our courtyard. He would also represent their side and be their spokesman. Behind him came the women carrying all the gifts on their heads, and then the male members of the family (minus the groom’s immediate family, of course). The men all sat on the ground – normally men are treated with respect and always get chairs (this is one thing I want to introduce in our culture when I return ), but in this case the family was coming and supposed to be grovelling to ask for a bride. The men were treated like women and children, they had to sit on the ground too until the final settlement was made, after which the men would be privileged to sit on chairs. After they laid all the gifts down our uncle said: “Dumelang Bana” (Good Morning Children). They were treated as not worthy of our status, and they played the part well. They greeted back with a clasp of the hands and a bow, recognizing our family’s status. The uncle then went on to ask them if they would come and sit with us and they adamantly said no they could not do that – they were not worthy to sit with us. It was quite interesting watching this exchange. The uncle from our family that was their spokesman also sat on the floor with them, and they said he shouldn’t sit with us either as they wanted him as their representative. Our family asked them to show their gifts and they went through all the gifts they brought – pillows, blankets, shoes, an axe, suit coats, dresses etc. They read from the list of items that were agreed on, and held each item up to show the family, announcing the size etc. – how would some of you women like that? Each of these gifts was for a designated uncle, or aunt – the only thing the bride got was one outfit and an apron – the rest was for the aunts and uncles. Then they announced they brought 7 cows, and the fun began. The cows go to the bride’s father. Some told me one reason for the cattle is if something happens to the groom, her father can use those cows to help support her. There was much discussion at this point – mostly talking from our family. They told them how this bride is worth more than that – she is one of the best in the family etc. They are treating her like she is some one who is worthless and uses drugs etc, but she is studying to be a doctor and is worth more etc. The groom’s family would consult with our uncle who represented them and he would tell us what they were saying. After a time the groom’s family said they will have to leave and go outside the gate to decide what to do. They collected all their gifts and took them back. They said they could not find the cows they were going to bring (some of them ran away etc.), which is apparently a typical excuse. After some time of discussion outside the gate and discussion within our family their spokesman came back and said they are going to go back to their house and decide what they want to do. Our family decided they are going to stick to the agreement and not budge. They discussed how this process is getting to be a habit and they are going to put a stop to it. The bride’s mother said she is too young to be married anyway and she wished she would wait until after she was through medical school so she doesn’t care if she doesn’t get married. If they are not going to give the cows they agreed on the deal would be off. The bride’s sister told us later how the bride was in tears. She was hidden in the house, but others came in to tell her what was happening. She couldn’t understand why his family didn’t bring the cows. Nicole said the bride was inside the house texting on her cell phone furiously. I don’t know what the groom was doing, but I’m sure he had a spy texting him. Everybody here has cell phones these days. One of the recent in-laws of our family told me when he was the groom a few years before he was hiding in the bush and someone at the negotiations was keeping him informed on his cell phone.
While we waited – about three hours or so - our family discussed again what they were willing to do. Sometimes they decide to forgive the missing cows, but they were going to hold firm this time. The last wedding they arranged they went ahead and agreed to two less cows, but that family was from another village far away and had more of a bargaining chip. This family was from the same village and they knew they were wealthy enough to supply the cattle. During this time their representative (one of our uncles) was with us and giving his view – not representing them. He was also a bit of a spy and told us what he thought they would do based on what he overheard. The uncles told me when they get back to their home, the groom will convince them to pay the cows – he will put the pressure on them. Our family said they often offer to pay the cows at a later date, but they were not going to accept that, because then they usually never get the cows. After the deal is made and the bride is given to the family there is no incentive to pay the cows and they usually ignore the arrangement. Our family also decided to fine them another goat for “wasting our time”, since we had to wait for them. Interestingly they agreed before hand that they would fine them a goat, but later when the conditions were accepted someone should make a move to forgive the fine and they would all agree to forgive that fine as a gesture of good will. It was interesting to watch the exchange. The women had more to say than the uncles. They expressed their views and the men listened very closely – anybody could say what they wanted to. In the end the uncles would make the decision, but they did consider what was being said – or at least it appeared that way.
Finally they returned and it was noticed there were the same amount of cows on the truck. Our family thought they might have had the cows waiting somewhere to load, in case they were forced to get them, but there were no more on the truck. The entire process started over, and they came into our yard and took their places. The process started with us telling them we were going to fine them for a goat and asked what they had decided to do. There was farther discussion and then they offered to pay 2000.00 pula for each missing cow. After a little discussion our family decided to accept that, and while everybody watched they counted out the money for everybody to see. The only thing left to do was for our family to go out and inspect the cows and the goats to see if they were acceptable. Our family all trekked out to the truck and looked at the cows and the goats. When they decided everything was acceptable the women started their shrill yodel-type call – an undualting celebratory noise made by moving their tonques back and forth. It was heard frequently throughout the weekend with the singing and dancing. That was the signal that the deal was finalzied, and we all went back into the yard to celebrate.
It appeared a lot of this was a formality and a “game” that must be played, but I never knew how much. In talking with the groom’s family later one asked me what I thought of the traditions and the way things went and it sounded like most of the process was expected, but on the other hand I guess one never knows for certain until it is all completed. Nobody could seem to give me an example of an instance they were involved in where it didn’t go through, but at the same time they all insisted the outcome was uncertain.
Several goats were slaughtered during this time, right under the tree at the edge of our gathering. They also took the 6 cows to the father of the bride’s cattle post, and then when they returned it was time to slaughter the remaining cow. They tied it up and killed it with a knife- too many people around to use a gun, they said. It was pretty gruesome, and some of the younger generation from the city were a bit disgusted with the process. Absolutely everything got used from that cow (as with the goats) except the contents of the intestines and stomach. Everything had a place to go – the front leg – the side which the cow fell on when it went down went to the groom’s family. There was a debate at first of which shoulder it was, it had to be the side that the cow fell on. The udder and the ribs went to the bride’s mother since she breast fed the child and held her against her chest. The head went to the maternal uncle in charge etc. – there was a designated use for all the parts – most of it to be consumed and sent with the guests at the end.
I thought at this point the families would mingle, but that did not happen. Our family had set up a large tent in the yard, and the groom’s family was ushered inside to wait for our family to serve them lunch. Nicole was one of the servers, and she got many offers from them to marry their sons – she can fill you in on that. I told her to tell them her father demands many, many cows. For the rest of the day the two families did not mingle at all – our servers gave them lunch and we feasted by ourselves in our yard. Their men could now sit on chairs and they were all treated respectably. There was much singing and dancing in the tent and outside in our yard. It apparently was a type of competition. Our family would dance in front of their tent and they would dance inside the tent. After a while it was time to present the bride to them. The bride comes out all covered and is presented to them (as if they don’t already know her). Sometimes they told us they bring somebody else out at first as a trick etc. and they discussed covering Nicole and bringing her out, but didn’t do it. I would have liked to see that. After the bride was presented it was time to tell them to go home, so we could party. After they left the eating and drinking went on full speed. They feasted some more and consumed the local brew made from sorghum and stored in big drums. It is pretty thick and has seeds and chewy things in it. It was flowing freely in the celebrations. There was much dancing, and singing. The aunt we were staying at left early again and we missed a lot of the activites that night. We again had to be back around 7:00 the next morning when the families would be introduced to each other and the groom would be introduced to us.
The following morning we had to get over to the yard to prepare all the meat and the big meals. Jolene and Nicole helped prepare the salads and vegetables with the women, and the men built the fires and cut up and cooked the meat. The women did most of the work of course, and said the main job of the men is to talk. I was with Jolene when she was with some of the younger generation preparing the meal, and I commented how everything seems to get done with nobody in charge. Everybody just seems to jump in and do the jobs that need to be done. She asked how we would do it in the U.S., and we explained somebody would be in charge and tell others what to do. He reply was interesting, she said: “really, that sounds hectic”.
The groom’s family came to present him to us, and this time we all gathered in the big tent – each family facing the other. It was the one time I know I had a “deer in the headlight” look. Over here I constantly get asked to pray at church, meetings and other gatherings. I thought briefly about how I should pray if asked, but didn’t give it much thought -my concern was where this whole process was at as I was not always sure about what was happening. Sure enough at the very beginning I was asked to lead them all in a prayer. I know my expression was a bit horrified as I tried to think what was appropriate. The families were still so separate, the deal was done (at least I thought), so was there something I was missing or didn’t know and would pray in an inappropriate way? Then our uncle introduced each of us, and told them how we all fit into the family. A person from each family gave the details, and I was asked to explain my family and give an introduction as well. I explained we were back after being gone for a long time, and told them I had three children born in Botswana and where each was born and gave their Setswana name. Many of the guests told me afterward how “Motswana” we were – a way of showing acceptance. After we were finished the groom’s uncle introduced their entire family including the groom and his parents and siblings. The bride then went over to his family and sat with them, and several members of our family talked to them and told them how precious she was etc. and how they should take care of her. The bride’s new life revolves mostly around her husband’s family – she leaves her family and goes to live with his family. This is one reason the maternal uncles are so involved – to have a connection with her family. The oldest uncle plays an important role three times in his neices’ life. At her birth he can name her, at her wedding as we saw, and at her death if any uncles remain they play an important role. The extended family is so critical here – the whole family is one in many ways. The uncles also get together on the groom’s side to supply the cattle and make the arrangements. The uncles all contribute and are the ones involved throughout the entire process. When they asked about our weddings, they were surprised to hear our uncles and aunts are not involved with the details.
During this session they also discussed when the “white” wedding would be. The traditional wedding is the important one, and the one they consider the “real” wedding, but they will also have what they call a “white” wedding. They decided they needed to save up some money for that and it wouldn’t be for another year and a half, but they chose a date. Again all decided with the uncles, not the bride and groom. At that point they will have a wedding with a gown etc, very much like our weddings. They will only then be “legally” married with the government, but who cares, they are married now – the imortant ceremony is done the other formality can happen at any time.
After the families were introduced to each other we fed them lunch. During this time the bride wore the things she was given as a gift, and rushed around working furiously. She was now showing the groom’s family what a good wife she is . The aunts and uncles also put on the clothes they got as gifts and danced in front of the groom’s family – showing them off. After we fed them, they were again asked to leave so we could feast some more. The morning was spent cooking the meat, and we feasted throughout the day. The rest of the cow was cooked in huge pots and everybody had plenty of meat to eat. I had my share too – it was great! One huge pot was cooked at the back that only the men could eat. Women were not supposed to eat it – it was the best according to the men, made of the intestines, stomach and meat mixed in from certain parts of the cow. It was tasty, but very greasy. They even cooked the hooves and after peeling off the hard part ate the inside of the hoof – which actually tasted pretty good. They talk like the traditions must be kept, but of course some things are ignored. They left Jolene try the “men only” meat, and I saw them giving some of it to other women to taste. When I approached them about it they act like nobody should know, but laugh and say that is the way our custom used to be, but we give some to the women now when nobody is looking. Late afternoon the remaining meat was all divided up amongst the guests, each family had a container they brought to take the meat home. Some was also given to the Kgosi (Chief). At that point people started leaving after several days of celebrating.
We caught a lift home to Gaborone with two of the bride’s sisters, and had some interesting discussions about the process. The older married one was all supportive of the tradition and didn’t think it would die out. However the younger one in secondary school ridiculed the tradition and thought it was “dumb”. She is the first generation in Botswana that has only lived in the city – she thinks village life is “backward” and “boring”. She couldn’t understand why Nicole wanted to live there. It will be interesting to see how long the custom lasts, but I consider myself very fortunate to have experienced it.